NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARK FARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT wrote:

Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkeis. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised. which will mean about £240,000 for the first year? As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases.

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nigel Johnson-Hill

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

If farmers get paid for not rearimg pigs, shouldn't veterans get paid for not wearing the PJM? So that's £9,000 back-pay they owe us now too!
StanW

Stan,
That was brill.
My son owns some land with a barn on it (which the council will not let him convert) and he was offered £300 last year because he did'nt do anything with the land, he couldn't be bothered to fill ALL the forms in with more forms to follow.



Last edited by Paul Alders on Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:09 am; edited 1 time in total

I have laughed so much I thought that I really must share it so I have sent a copy to Michael Ancram!!!

John

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Last edited by ro5=6372 on Tue Feb 12, 2008 9:46 am; edited 1 time in total

ANYTHING DEFRA GETS INVOLVED IN, WILL, ULTIMATELY BE MADE A PIG'S EAR OF... APART FROM THAT, THEY HAVE YET TO LEARN, THAT YOU CANNOT MAKE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR, DESPITE THEIR YEARS OF TRYING.

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS LAST THOUGHT...

THE HOKEY COKEY... IS THAT REALLY WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT?

YOURS ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE

ARTHUR

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Last edited by MB on Thu Feb 14, 2008 7:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
_________________
Mike Barton

Hi Mike,

Been touring the darkest backwaters of Zakynthos, Kalamaki to be exact.

I'm back with a vengeance, which can only be exculpated by zapping the 'suits' in the appropriate places.

I look forward to adding my bit to Pete's razor sharp wit, with the obvious results, and a good score line would be ... fight 4 'suits' 0.

Nice to be back... especially for the winter.... which is the one of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of ... well you know what I mean.

Yours Aye

Arthur

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Last edited by ro5=6372 on Tue Feb 12, 2008 9:47 am; edited 1 time in total

Hello Pete,

Gurden (his loins) for the political battle of his miserable life, the maestro, of stealth tax, stealth bombers, or is it spy planes that are so corroded, that it is only the paintwork holding it together, and such like, has let me into his little secret.

He's not actually a human... made out of an airfix kit... you know the ones...bits missing or so warped that they have to be exchanged. Well, you can imagine my surprise when he bent my ear, I did manage to hang onto it mind you, otherwise he'd have shoved it in his back pocket. Judging by that stupid look on his face, he's been sniffing the glue again.

As he was a student of Roman classics, he had been taught that Mark Antony had made a sterling speech about friends Romans and countrymen, lending him their ears. As you know, he has no friends, the Romans and countrymen are also a mystery to him, but that's another story, but is perturbed that not only has nobody got the inclination to listed to his outrageous twaddle, they certainly aint going to lend him an ear.

Back to the plot. He has revealed to me that he is now heading a recruiting campaign to draw lesser mortals into the Army... you've guessed it... he is going to make a poster. Yeah right! This is a poster of sufficient merit, based loosely on the ones that were going to stop gun crime in the country. Er... have I missed something here, only gun crime has increased exponentially.

Uncle Gurden, scared witless by the fact that inheritence tax will now start at £1,000,000 under a Conservative government haven't quite worked out that anyone with a million smackeroos and over have got it out of the country years ago. Still, looking on the bright side, Jade Goody will become Foreign secretary.. well she couldn't make a bigger horlicks of the job than the present incumbent.

I am now being pressurised by the mimsahib to make her a cup of coffee, a cunning ploy to get me off of the computer so she can play her computer games.

Life is so unfair...tarra for now

yours aye

Arthur

ARTHUR YOUR CLARITY AND LUCIDITY,IS CRYSTAL TO ME,UNLIKE THE OPAQUE BS PUT OUT BY GOV SPOKESPERSONS.NOW ALL I NEED /WANT IS £999.999.:99p,THEN I WILL DECIDE CAN I STAY OR CAN I GO NOW.I WAS IN A BACKWATER TODAY AS WELL,IN A CANADIAN CANOE BY THE WAY,NATURALLY I HAVE TWO PADDLES,UNLIKE GURDEN BUT THEN ,HE HAS BALLS,AND AFEW OTHERS TO HELP HIM OUT ,FROM S**T CREEK.

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Last edited by StanW on Mon Apr 14, 2008 12:55 am; edited 1 time in total

Ok Stan... Here's how it is... Hyperbollocks are wot Civil Serpents and Government Ministers speak.
Logarhythms are musician speak for banging on the logs, jungle drums style.

Hyperbollocks are always spoken in conjuction with Logarhythms, as in 'heard it on the jungle drums old boy'.

Hope that clears up your confusion. If anything else needs clearing up... book an appointment with your GP.. or if you feel brave enough... with Mr Pete Latham...(medical degree by correspondence course... failed. ).. will gently manipulate the parts with a couple of house bricks.

Thanks for the message Stan... nice to hear from you.

Yours Aye

Arthur